Thriving in Singleness.
By Dr. Christina
Thriving, and not just Surviving, in Seasons of Singleness
If you’re single, holidays can feel very lonely and isolating. I have never seen a Hallmark Christmas movie starring a strong, single female who ends the movie still happy and single – it just doesn’t happen. When happy endings nearly always end with a flawless female finding Mr. Right, it often leaves women who haven’t found “him” feeling like something is wrong with them. We’ve all heard the “singleness is a blessing” phrase and often from happily married couples with their babies, puppies, and perfect family Christmas photos. How can they possibly understand what it’s like to ride the struggle bus this long? How about a perspective from someone who knows what it’s like to be happy in a healthy relationship, and who has also spent the last 6 years experiencing the highs and lows that come with being single. I’ve experienced the profound happiness that comes from being well-loved, and I’ve also endured the pain of a breakup, and the isolation that comes with a long season of solitude. All in the midst of ten years of rigorous academia to become a medical professional who also happens to be an active duty soldier in the US Army.
I want to share a few thoughts that have completely changed my perspective and helped me thrive in a culture that almost exclusively celebrates relationships.
First of all, take a deep breath and remember, even though it may feel like it, singleness is NOT a punishment. Even if you failed at past relationships, you didn’t somehow ruin your future chance at happiness. Maybe this pain you’re feeling in this season of singleness is time you need to grow to become the person your future husband deserves. Or what if this season of waiting has nothing to do with you, and rather God is using this time to prepare your future husband’s heart? Maybe God in all his mercy, wisdom, goodness, and kindness ended a relationship that was or would steer you away from Him. Or maybe He needs you to remain single for a purpose you could never fulfill if you were tied to all of the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship. Or perhaps he’s keeping you in this season until you are ready to be the wife or mother that your future Mr. Right and children need you to be. In my personal experience, God often doesn’t graduate me to the “next level/season” until my heart is set right. Take a moment and have a hard look at yourself- do a complete heart check. Has a relationship become an obsession to you? Has your desire for a male companion become more important to you than your desire for a relationship with God? Has the sight of seeing happy couples make you want to throw up? Does every new engagement and baby announcement make you want to smack the happiness out of the perfect, happy people? It sounds cliché, but until you can learn to be happy for those who seem to get the things you’ve been praying for, you will never be happy getting what you want.
Fight the lies that you aren’t good enough.
Give yourself a heart check-up and medicate with the Word of God. Fight the lies that you aren’t good enough. No matter how strong your faith is, the devil will sneak-attack you when you are most vulnerable. It could be during the holidays, at a wedding, after watching a rom com, or after listening to a song that strikes a chord. This is why it is so important to safeguard your heart.
In the military, before a battle, we train and prepare. I’ve been in situations when we set up tents and simulate a field hospital during a mass casualty. We learn how to drag bodies across fields and how to treat patients while bombs are going off. We are trained to experience the stress and the fear so that we can be prepared if the real thing happens. In the same way, you have to train with the word of God. You need to protect and armor up with the truth of the Word. In this way, when you see happy couples, instead of beginning to feel inadequate, ugly, and unhappy, you tell the devil and his lies to go back to hell. If your mind is set on solid ground, when the lies come flooding in, there is no room for those lies to take hold and shake your foundation. If your heart is so set on Jesus, when the lies of satan attack, you will automatically fight back with the truth. Learn, write down, and memorize scripture. Learn it so well that it is etched on your heart and is in the marrow of your bones. Have a notebook, write it on notecards and know the scripture so well, that you can recite and fight back when bad thoughts attack your mind. Being prepared makes you less vulnerable. Here are a few scriptures that always speak life back to my weary, single soul.
“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” Proverbs 31: 25-26, 30
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Philippians 4:12
Lastly, pray and live with expectancy. With the exception of those who are simply unwilling to change in order to become suitable for marriage, or those who God has specifically called to be single (look at Jesus or Mother Teresa), the odds that you will find Mr. Right are in your favor. Marriages and families are biblical and God’s gift and desire for us. I truly believe if that is what you want for your life, if those are the deepest desires of your heart, God probably put them there for a reason. He specifically created Eve for Adam because he said in Genesis, “it is not good for the man to be alone.” If it is God’s best for you, it will happen in God’s good timing. Pray for your future husband- you may not know him yet, but God sure does. So, take a deep breath lovely ladies, and just focus on loving your current season. Find ways to be useful and purposeful. Kindness and goodness breed contentment. As Veggie Tale’s once taught: “a grateful heart is a happy heart.” Put your trust in the one that created you, because God can change in an instant what it would take years for us to build in our own struggle.
“Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:42
Biography:
Christina is 29 and loves serving as a Dentist in the United States Army. Being assigned to a special field unit has given her the unique experience of firing weapons, operating large military vehicles, and being prepared to deploy for missions in rural/field/abroad settings. She is stationed in Texas with her rescue kitten “Jack,” and loves hiking, cooking, bonding with family, and traveling to different countries. She has learned to speak several languages and is so excited to see where she will go and how God will use her in future.
