Healing Journey.

Part 1: Discovery.

It was three years ago on the afternoon of March 1, 2018 when I received a call from David that I’ll never forget.

I was playing with our son, Hudson, on the floor of his room in our Brooklyn apartment when David called and asked me twice, “are you home?” I repeated, “yes, why?” Earlier that morning I had been out with two of my friends at Peter Pan Donut Shop so he wanted to make sure I was home (he knew I’d want to be home to hear the news he was about to share).

He continued to tell me his doctor had received the results of his biopsy and he had cancer. The six letter diagnosis no wife EVER wants to hear. I was in shock, no words to respond, and my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. The moment I hung up the phone, rivers of tears came flowing down my face. I remember putting my hand on my 34 weeks pregnant belly and hugging Hudson (16 months old at the time) as I sat there in what felt like a pool of tears. It was as if the clock had stopped. How was I going to carry on and be strong for my husband, deliver a baby and take care of Hudson? My heart felt like it was made of glass and someone dropped it out of our 38th floor window.

I have never hugged David tighter than I did that night he came home from work. It was a journey that I really didn’t want to walk through. I cried every day for the next two weeks (pregnancy hormones didn’t help) as I was processing what this journey would look like.

One evening a few days after we heard the news, I was bathing Hudson with tears streaming down my face. I was battling the thought of always having to bathe our children alone and I started to get really angry at God. I was terrified of raising two little ones all by myself. And if I’m being really honest, I said things to God like: “God, don’t you dare take my husband from me” or “why us, God” and “are you really real? If so, why do you allow cancer to happen?”

It was like I was standing at a fork in the road and I had two choices: run to God in complete surrender or run from God because He allowed this to happen. In my desperation and by God’s grace, I ran to Him and embraced His love and comfort I needed for this journey that lay ahead.

A few days after hearing the news, we were meeting at my friend Sam’s apartment for our weekly mom’s group. I felt so broken walking into that group knowing I’d have to be transparent and vulnerable in front of them as I shared news that I didn’t want to talk about. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to lead the group after all I had been wrestling with and I knew I’d cry the entire time. Well friends, we didn’t even talk about the study because we just prayed and cried together. Sam specifically prayed, “Lord, I’m going to be bold and praise you for how you’re going to use their story” and “we’re believing that Dave will be completely healed.” I was so comforted by her prayer and the prayers of the other moms. It truly showed me importance of community especially when walking through tough times.

It was that day when I began my surrender and trust in God for the journey ahead. He had a plan to use our story as a testimony of His faithfulness. I made a choice that I was going to trust Him through this process and healing journey.