Freedom From Fear.
Written By Alexandra Kennedy
I want to live in perpetual freedom. I want to live free from fear. Free from worry. Free from stress. Is it possible? Can Jesus really give us freedom from all the things that plague us? Can God make our inner worlds peaceful, our thoughts calm, our hearts restful? I not only believe He can, I know that He can. I have lived it.
I found out about my pregnancy complications when I was five months pregnant. At the time, my husband and I lived in New York City, 3,000 miles from family. My anatomy scan revealed that I had a Vasa Previa, a Partial Placenta Previa, and a Velamentous Cord Insertion, the combination of which would kill my baby within minutes if I went into labor. I sat in the doctor’s office that day, telling myself “Alee, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Alee, just listen to the doctor. Alee, just blink. It’s okay. Just blink,” only to burst into tears as soon as we left her office. I went home afterward and just stared at the wall, slumped over in my chair, silent tears running down my cheeks, asking the Lord over and over how He could have let this happen. My doctors needed to protect me from going into labor naturally, which meant they would be hospitalizing me at 32 weeks and performing a Cesarean between 34-36 weeks.
They would be hospitalizing me at 32 weeks and performing a Cesarean between 34-36 weeks.
It all felt incredibly scary, incredibly medical, incredibly not what I would have ever wanted. I wanted a natural birth. I wanted a beautiful, joyful birth. I had been reading the book “Ina May’s Guide to Natural Childbirth” and was mesmerized by the birth stories inside. So, I prayed. And prayed and prayed and prayed, asking God, begging God for this not to be my story. “Lord, please, please, please heal me! I know you can! Oh God, I don’t know if I can walk through this. Please Lord, please heal me so I can have a full-term baby and a natural birth. Oh God, I just want that so badly. In Jesus name, amen.”
I was two weeks out from my month-long hospitalization, and 30 weeks along, when I realized that God was not going to heal me of the complications. I can’t explain how I knew. I just knew deep within my heart that the Lord wanted me to walk this difficult journey for some reason. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed at 3 a.m. tormented by fears. Your baby is going to die. I could hear an ominous voice in my head. Just you wait, you’ll trip down the stairs or fall, and you’re going to put yourself into labor. You won’t make it to the hospital in time. These menacing thoughts terrified me. I listened to them for hours. I didn’t know how to stop them. More time passed, and it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t asked Jesus for help. “Jesus! Help! Jesus, please come! Jesus!” I cried, saying His name over and over, hoping that He would come to my aid. Hoping that He would send these thoughts away. Hoping that He would rescue me.
“Jesus! Help! Jesus, please come! Jesus!” I cried.
Alexandra Kennedy
After a few minutes, my heart calmed. Then, I heard it. I heard a line from a song deep within my heart that I hadn’t heard for a long time.
“When the night is holding on to me, God is holding on.”
It was beautiful. I started to cry. It was as if the Holy Spirit was singing it over me.
“When the night is holding onto me, God is holding on…”
The words were from a song by Sarah and John Mark McMillan called King of My Heart. The lyrics soothed me and sent tears cascading down my cheeks. As I wept, the presence of God filled the room. Joy waterfalled from above, and I beamed as I raised my hands in the dark of the night. God was holding onto me.
Joy waterfalled from above, and I beamed as I raised my hands in the dark of the night. God was holding onto me.
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The Lord met me many, many times after that night. He met me in my fear, and He even met me in the anger I felt over the pregnancy story I was given. He met me in my despair and my anguish, and also in my joy once my daughter finally arrived, safe and sound (praise God!)
Jesus is gentle and kind and wants more than anything to be invited into every detail of our lives. He will meet us in the hard parts if we let Him. He will meet us even when we accuse Him of not watching over us. He is the friend “that sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24) and it is my absolute joy to get to serve Him.
Biography:
Alexandra Kennedy is a mom, wife and writer who recently moved to California. She is working on her first book. She studied journalism in college and enjoys writing about God, motherhood, and the amazing ways they intersect. She has been married for 9 years and has a toddler with another baby on the way.
